shitty
writing for the truly bored
travelog
& links | photos | so
you wanna
Links
news
google news
slashdot
the
daily show
colbert report
the onion
npr
link sites
waxy
kottke
j-walk blog
metafilter
boingboing
clicked
exhausticated
funny
pages
digg
reddit
blogs
tony pierce
life-in-limn
dougiegyro
agirlandaboy
sksmith
moxie
information
merriam-webster
snopes
the straight dope
babelfish
wikipedia
comics/cartoons
the
boondocks
dilbert
red
meat
doonesbury
strongbad
email
penny arcade
foxtrot
pvp
get
fuzzy
xkcd
pearls-swine
photography
dp review
photo.net
photosig
jmg-galleries
macintosh
maccentral
xlr8yourmac
macintouch
version tracker
movies
777film
castro
roxie
parkway
bam/pfa
ebert
ebert&roeper
rottentomatoes
commentary
thanks
for
linking to me
d-blogged
hepkitten
maizzy
pragueblog
mattwelch
vortexia
wildsoda
g.a. cerny
daily
blarf
20-something
extreme
whiskey
prague.tv
slack
barlights
wormhog
saturday
shaepod
dead
links
gnome-girl
00000000o0000
Linklog
may
8, 2008
the movie
event of the century!. . . and although the question borders on the
sacrilegious, i will grudgingly admit that this
dude is probably right. . .
april
19, 2008
if you've ever seen kevin smith do one
of his Q&As
and dug
what you heard,
you'd probably get a kick out of his hour-long smodcasts.
. .
april
11, 2008
so related to the previous link, here's a time
lapse video a cat owner made to see just what his cat was up to while
he was at work. . . answer: not much, apparently. . .
also, the catcam, which i may have mentioned before, is now for sale! (time lapse vid link stolen from db). . .
april
9, 2008
the more i watch this short vid of a narcoleptic
cat, the more it makes me laugh (link stolen from waxy).
. .
april
8, 2008
another way i've been avoiding doing my taxes is by going to see the jake
and amir shorts. . . if you've never seen 'em, some of the ones i
kind of dig are song,
ace,
bowling
for soup, my
boy, office
fantasy, new
website, jake's
computer, and movie
debate. . .
march
26, 2008
who do you think would win
in a fight - a minotaur with a trident, or a centaur with a crossbow?.
. . i think ice-t
had the best answer (link stolen from this
metafilter thread). . .
march
25, 2008
the other day i stumbled across some standup comic named louis c.k. who
i thought was pretty funny. . . here's part
1, part
2, part
3, and a fourth
clip of something that's also happened to me. . .
december
31, 2007
man, once you start clicking on those links at video clip sites, you just
can't stop. . . or at least i can't. . .
for example i went from a chick surprised by the kick of a desert eagle to this prank vid to this vid of a baby giving the evil eye to this barf bag in free fall vid to this commercial spoofing vid memes to the david blaine street magic parts 1, 2, and 3. . .
december
30, 2007
perhaps one day, if i work hard and hone my skills to perfection, yes,
one day, i may be able to capture the beauty and emotion of these
remarkable portraits. . .
december
24, 2007
for whatever reason, people my age seem to remember seeing the scene in
which luke
skywalker talks to biggs on tatooine, but everyone else thinks we're
crackheads. . .
october 31, 2007
what
single book is the best introduction to your field for laypeople?.
. . for me that's a tough one 'cuz i'm not sure if anyone's written a
definitive book on being a total lazy ass bastard. . .
september
18, 2007
democrats spot a backbone..
.
august
28, 2007
the kosbees
(link stolen from waxy).
. .
august
27, 2007
in a way i feel sorry for this
chick 'cuz i have no idea if i would've come up with a better answer
knowing that i was on a nationally televised competition on network tv
with a 30-second time limit, but when you read the
transcript it's still pretty damn funny (link stolen from metafilter).
. .
august
21, 2007
no idea where i originally got this link but some of these top
15 unintentionally funny comic book panels are pretty fucking good.
. .
august
17, 2007
for years when i'd stumble across charlie rose's show while flipping thru
the channels i'd think, "what the fuck is this shit?. . . is the
host stoned?" and then change the channel. . . now i kinda dig his
show and luckily all of 'em have been archived on his
website (link stolen from this
metafilter thread). . .
august
3, 2007
the
inappropriate yoga guy. . .
july
23, 2007
so once you've read the comic,
go here. .
.
july
14, 2007
from what i understand, not a whole lot of people dig flight
of the conchords, but i think they're pretty
fucking funny. . . even if you don't have hbo you can catch the latest
episode here.
. . and if you've missed any, i'm sure you can find previous
episodes somewhere
on teh internets.
. .
and as long as i'm talking about the telly savalas, i'm kinda digging on 30 rock as well and the cool thing about that show is that nbc has posted full episodes of the entire season online (flight info stolen from moxie). ..
june
23, 2007
i actually made these
once. . . pretty good eatin'. . .
june
21, 2007
drama
in five seconds (link stolen from this metafilter thread).
. .
june
15, 2007
y'know, to this day i don't understand why a complete stranger would link
to my shitty-ass, rarely-updated, no-traffic blog, but much like chevron,
people do. . . so it looks like d-blogged
is now officially on my "thanks for linking to me" blogroll
over there in the left column. . .
and speaking of circle jerk blogrolls, one of my friends from college recently started up a photography blog and linked to my ass, so i stuck his ass in the "photography" section over there to the left. . . is it a good photography blog?. . . fuck if i know, but that seemed like as good a place as any to dump the link. . .
may
29, 2007
i know some people hate him
but i quite
like demetri
martin's stuff
(link stolen from this bitter metafilter
thread). . .
may
25, 2007
so whaddaya wanna do today?. . . look at cats?.
. . take a test?.
. . or watch the vp be all creepy.
. .
may
14, 2007
this is quite possibly the best movie
review i've ever read (link stolen from kottke).
. .
may
9, 2007
i'm quite disappointed in my friends - this macgruber
clip (actually it's three separate clips combined into one) has been out
for *months* and none of 'em told me about it!. . .
may
1, 2007
if you're a fan of the daily show you may dig seeing bill
moyers interview jon stewart. . . the other bit where he interviews
john marshall is also pretty interesting, just not as entertaining
(link stolen from this
metafilter thread). . .
april
28, 2007
videos of fans lip-synching their favorite songs are normally not all
that interesting but this
one, done in one take on the first take, was pretty damn good (link
stolen from this
metafilter thread). . .
april
3, 2007
y'know, the first time i saw the
trailer for the PG version of 300 i thought it was kinda dumb. . .
after letting it stew in my cranium for a bit, however, it's started to
grow on me. . . it kinda reminds me of that edited
cheech and chong movie i saw on network tv that had swapped out all references
to pot with diamonds, complete with bad dubbing (YO MAN, WHERE'S MY BAG
O' diamonds) and cutaways to a pair of hands opening a giant duffle bag
of said diamonds. . .
march
21, 2007
i've heard that some people don't find ricky gervais to be very funny.
. . they are retarded and this
video of him in kenya isn't for them. . . and for those of you who
*do* check out that video, give it a chance, it does get funny eventually
but you have to watch from the beginning to get the full impact (link
stolen from this
metafilter thread). . .
march
17, 2007
if any of you have pets and haven't heard about it, there's been a pretty
major north american pet food recall 'cuz some brands are occasionally
causing kidney failure among both dogs and cats. . . this
article mentions that the recall is for canned and foil pouch food
sold from 12/3/06 through 3/6/07. . . the end of this
article has a partial list of the pet food brands being recalled (some
stuff like the proctor and gamble iams and eukanuba products ain't listed).
. .
march
16, 2007
this
guy is the best at what he does. . . what does he do?. . . you'll
have to go to the link to find out. . . if you dug it, here's
a bit more. . .
march
13, 2007
if you keep watching this
japanese candid-camera-esque vid, they sorta up the ante. . .
march
10, 2007
my favorite comment about this
video was the one in this
metafilter thread that said, "Whatever. I could totally do that.".
. .
march
9, 2007
"what
does marcellus wallace look like?" in text form. . . also i kinda
dig this
song and video. . .
march
7, 2007
tony pierce and
agirlandaboy
have both given me multiple links over the past month or two (once via
the tp-helmed LAist)
so i figured it was high time i returned the favor, thus completing the
circle jerk. . .
march
6, 2007
this
video of a dad singing nwa's "fuck tha police" to his youngling
is super awesomely brilliant. . . in case you're too young or too old
to remember it, here's
how it's supposed to go (1st link stolen from kottke,
2nd one from LAist)..
.
march
1, 2007
man, google video has assloads and assloads of full documentaries
for your viewing pleasure (link stolen from boingboing)..
.
february
24, 2007
when describing this
little short, i'd have to use the words "drunk fratboy jedi party"
(link stolen from waxy)..
.
february
21, 2007
remember that line
rider game that came out last year?. . . well, this
course is easily the best one i've seen so far (link stolen from kottke)..
.
february
16, 2007
boingboing recently had a
post with the title "supremely bad tv ad". . . after having
checked it out i have to say that i think it's not so much "supremely
bad" as it is pretty
fucking brilliant. . .
february
9, 2007
for those of you who care about things like this, here's a list of kevin
smith's top
ten films of 2006. . . and 2005
(link stolen from kottke).
. .
february
8, 2007
cats,
cats,
and more cats
(links stolen from boingboing).
. .
february
7, 2007
did you know that the superbowl was last sunday?. . . i thought that shit
was supposed to be in january or something. . . anyway, apparently this
k-fed
commercial (also on youtube)
was one of the better ones shown. . .
february
6, 2007
if you're a major big-time nerd like me, you'll find this
analysis of whether or not a level 1 d&d wizard could beat a common
house cat in hand-to-hand combat extremely funny and yet, interesting
as well. . .
if you're not a major big-time nerd like me, maybe you'll find some entertainment in shadow puppets instead. . .
february
5, 2007
just noticed that i've got a new
blog linking to my lame ass. . .
january
30, 2007
i'm 24 smart.
. . damn geography questions. . . nobody knows what countries border other
countries and if they say that they do, they're lying, damnit! (link stolen
from somewhere, i forget where exactly). . .
january
29, 2007
this
looks like one of those things that, if something came loose, would
put you up for a darwin award, and yet, if i'd been there, i'd've been
sorely tempted to give it a shot (link stolen from metafilter).
. .
january
22, 2007
sonny bono telling
you not to grow up being a pothead like him (link stolen from sharpeworld).
. .
december
24, 2006
so some of these
questions are dumb and can have multiple answers, but i kinda dug
#10 (link stolen from this
digg thread). . .
december
18, 2006
man, i am so out of it with the music the kids're listening to these days.
. . out of this list of the
top 50 music videos of 2006, i think i've only heard of maybe five
of the bands and only seen maybe three of the videos (link stolen from
waxy). . .
december
12, 2006
if you're bored at work, here're a
few games you can play to pass the time. . .
december
9, 2006
depending on your viewpoint, this is either the best or the worst "news
at 11" hook ever. . .
december
1, 2006
stephen colbert on john
zorn (link stolen from waxy).
. .
november
27, 2006
for those of you who give a hoot about kevin smith stuff, both "clerks
2" and "an evening with kevin smith 2" are coming out on
dvd tomorrow. . . as a promotion, apple asked him for his itunes celebrity
playlist. . . apparently, although apple dug his playlist, they couldn't
use it (link stolen from digg).
. .
november
8, 2006
so apparently Faith Hill is now claiming it
was a joke and wasn't aware that the camera was on her, which, i guess,
is possible. . . but i dunno, i mean as far as i can tell she was looking
straight at that fuckin' camera. . .
november
2, 2006
okay, so two things - the first is a really cool halloween
costume. . . the second is a super funny shot of a
newscast in the los angeles area. . .
october
24, 2006
btw, if you dig jon stewart, you might dig this hour-long
interview with him that was broadcast on c-span. . . never mind,
looks like it's already been pulled. . . too bad, it was an awesome interview.
. .
october
23, 2006
pretty cool close-up photo of a cat's
tongue. . .
october
20, 2006
if you've ever played an rpg like d&d, you'll probably dig this
"comic" of the lord of the rings as if it were being played
by a group of people being run through a d&d campaign. . . link takes
you to the first installment, click on the "next" links to progress
through the story. . .
october
19, 2006
david blaine's street
magic. . . only it's not actually david blaine. . .
october
18, 2006
if you hate telemarketers, you may dig this
audio clip (link stolen from this
metafilter thread)
october
17, 2006
Dude, you know about the D,
right? The greatest band in the world? Well they've got a movie coming
out which, coincidentally, is represented online by the
greatest website in the world (hint: let it play all the way through).
. .
october
13, 2006
i'm getting a little concerned that i may be getting my hopes up too high
for borat
(can't remember if i already linked to the
trailer). . .
october
11, 2006
remember biff?. . . the bully from the "back to the future"
movies?. . . well he
has a song where he answers all the questions people ask him. . .
october
8, 2006
if you haven't played with it yet, you should spend at least a few minutes
goofing around with line
rider. . . one thing to note, however, is that it's been out for a
couple of weeks and has kind of jumped
the shark. . .
october
2, 2006
i dunno why people always think SUVs tend to tip over easily, this
guy seems to have no problem with 'em. . . and on a slightly related
note, why do people hang out in what seems to be the absolutely most dangerous
spot i can think of on a rally race course?. . .
october
1, 2006
i'm glad to see that i'm not the only person who's wondered about this
little factoid. . .
Linklog
Archives
current
09/06
08/06
06/06
05/06
04/06
03/06
02/06
01/06
12/05
11/05
10/05
09/05
08/05
07/05
06/05
05/05
04/05
03/05
02/05
01/05
12/04
11/04
06/04
05/04
04/04
03/04
02/04
01/04
12/03
11/03
10/03
09/03
08/03
07/03
06/03
05/03
Travelog
A
bit before your time
May 8, 2008, Dreamland, USA
So last night I had this dream (okay maybe not so much "last
night" as "around 1pm") in which I was at the record store
'cuz, apparently, there was some new deluxe-edition Paul Anka 3-cd greatest
hits box set that'd just come out, and I was all excited to get my grubby
little hands on it.
I'm
just mentioning this little corner of my subconscious thoughts 'cuz I
hear dreams are prescient, so if at some point in the next few months
there's a resurgence of interest in Paul Anka's music, you all can be
on the forefront.
i have no idea what paul anka sounds like
(semipermalink)
In
the movie it wasn't a problem
April 19, 2008, San Francisco, CA
The other day I was thinking about retarded decisions that some people
make with their tv and movie creations. Y'know, things like when Lucas
decided to bring midichlorians into the Star Wars universe, or when, in
order to bring back a character they'd killed off in Dallas, they decided
to make the entire previous season be someone's dream.
One recurring theme that to this day still makes me laugh is when I think about the Highlander tv series and how they decided to have the police be involved with each beheading, and have the highlander be, if not a suspect, at the very least a "person of interest".
I mean, think about it. A tv show has about 20 episodes in a season, so that's at *least* 20 decapitated bodies per year. That's 20+ strangers from around the world getting their heads lopped off, and having each death have some sort of link to the main character. 20 headless bodies per year, not always in the same city, but always in an area where the highlander, a dude being suspected by the police, was hanging out.
What was
the writer's logic in thinking that would be a sustainable plot device?
how bad would it suck to be immortal and get a life sentence?
(semipermalink)
Sing-along
with Bob Denver
April 11, 2008, Berkeley, CA
The other day when I finally got around to handing out my xmas 2007
presents, I met up with my old boss, T, and her new youngling, S, who,
understandably, was confused as to why her mom was getting a Christmas
present in April from some scraggly looking homeless dude.
At one point, maybe in an effort to get the little kid to open up, T asked her if she wanted to sing a song.
"Come on, it'll be fun!" T exclaimed in a blatant lie to the little girl.
"..." S replied as she glanced cautiously my way, mouth sort of half-open.
"Here, I'll start, okay hon?" T prodded.
"..."
"Juuuust sit right back and you'll hear a tale..."
"..."
"A tale of a fateful trip..."
"..."
"That started from this tropic port, c'mon S what's the next line?" T asked.
"Aboard this tiny ship."
"Yaaaay!" T applauded.
I broke in, "Wait, is that. . . uh. . . she knows the theme song for Gilligan's Island?"
"Yeah, I think she's just shy 'cuz normally she'll sing the whole song."
"Does she watch an assl- sorry, I mean does she watch a lot of TV or something?"
"No
no, it's just that F and I, well, we don't really remember those other
songs like 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' so we teach her the songs that we *do*
know. Which tend to be TV theme songs for shows like Gilligan's Island,
The Beverly Hillbillies, and Spiderman."
as a kid i remember thinking the spiderman cartoon kind of sucked ass
(semipermalink)
The
Urinal Chalkboard
April 9, 2008, San Francisco, CA
So last night I wandered into a diner for some grub, and just before
taking off I went to the bathroom to take a leak.
Now, for those of you lacking a hoohoodilly, I feel that I should point
out that when you take a leak at a urinal, there are about four socially
acceptable things to stare at while draining the pickle:
1. the wall right above the urinal.
2. the flushing mechanism.
3. your sausage.
4. the urinal cake and/or the drain.
The experience is generally pretty similar whether you're in some posh 4-star hotel or some sketchy-ass bus station, so when there's a difference (like someone standing next to you who's farting uncontrollably), it can make for a notable urinatorial event.
Take, for example, tonight at the diner where there was a small crooked chalkboard mounted on the wall above the urinal. Note that there was nothing written on the chalkboard, there was no chalk at the base of the chalkboard, and there were no notices around the chalkboard. It was just a blank chalkboard, skewed about 10 degrees counterclockwise, with a bit of chalk dust at the base.
Intrigued, when I came out of the bathroom I looked for a waitress and asked her, "Why is there a, uh, a chalkboard over the urinal in the bathroom?"
"A what?" she replied.
"A chalkboard. A small chalkboard mounted on the wall directly above the urinal. There's nothing on it, there's no chalk to write with, it's just a small blank chalkboard. I was curious as to, y'know, what it was for."
"A *what*!?" she exclaimed as though I'd asked her why someone had filled the bathroom sink with dog shit.
She sounded
so shocked I decided to bail. Problem is, I *still* don't know what the
fuck the chalkboard was for.
i could make out a faint "fuck" on there
(semipermalink)
Tax
Season
April 8, 2008, San Francisco, CA
I can always tell when it's tax time 'cuz I start doing shit like
organizing my sock drawer and watching things like magic bullet infommercials.
Listed below are various activities that I, my friends, or my coworkers
have started to do this week in lieu of working on our taxes:
* Researched fast dslr lenses.
* Carried a heavy-ass tripod for a documentary crew filming a german lesbian techno pop band visiting the US for a week.
* Walked a few miles to get a slice of pizza from a really good pizzeria.
* Volunteered to work with an at-risk youth program.
* Regretted volunteering to work with an at-risk youth program.
* Gone to work, ate a bunch of brownies, watched some youtube, had a sugar crash, slept for a few hours, watched some more youtube, and went home without having done a single mouse click of work.
* Watched a series of videos of people watching a video of two girls pouring things into a cup.
* Watched a lot of Deadwood, BSG, Arrested Development, MacGyver, SG-1, Veronica Mars, Daily Show, and Colbert Report.
* Thought about getting a haircut.
* Went to chinatown to buy a tiara.
* Discussed how even an eight-year-old would know that old-school bathroom sinks with separate hot and cold water spigots was extremely retarded.
* Assured outgoing boss that I'd definitely look her up if I ever found myself in New York, fully knowing that I would never actually look her up if I ever found myself in New York.
* Discovered incoming boss has a blog.
* Read a blog that appears to exist for the sole purpose that I ridicule it.
* Released
a turd that was about 2 feet long and wondered how far back the muscles
that squeezed out a dook started.
tomorrow i think i'll pull my boxers with bad elastic
(semipermalink)
Pillow
Fight Club 3
March 26, 2008, San Francisco, CA
Last month I once again decided to wade into the fluffy throngs of
the
San Francisco Pillow Fight Club - videocamera in one hand, skateboard
in the other. I ended up with a quick and dirty, shaky-ass video of what
I saw.
If you have no life and want to check it out, there are three ways you can do it:
1. Go to my vimeo page to watch it in HD and/or download the vid (the download link is in the lower right area of the vimeo page).
2. watch
this little vimeo embedded version:
Pillow Fight Club
- San Francisco 2008 from bloopy
on Vimeo.
3. Watch
it on my sloooooow-ass server here
(this is probably the worst option of the three 'cuz the files are kind
of large and my server is butt slow).
it was safe for younglings if they stayed on the fringes
(semipermalink)
Happy
Fun Time Jury Duty
March 25, 2008, Oakland, CA
So the other day I got called in to jury duty selection, and while
a part of me, the retarded part, was kind of into it, another part of
me,
the part that could actually do math, realized what a ripoff it is.
$15 a day. They pay you fifteen fucking dollars a day. Plus, in my case, an additional $4 per day for mileage. Four fucking dollars! What the fuck is up with that? It cost me more than $6 to get to that damn courthouse via public transportation!
So, yeah, I was torn 'cuz it wasn't like I had much else to do at the time, yet they were only giving me $19/day to go there, plus the judge said the case might last for up to two months - three facts that made my answers to the 30-page juror-selection questionnaire kind of interesting.
For instance, one of the questions was, "What, if any, opinions do you have of the lawyers in this case?"
The practical side of me that understood how financially painful it is to be stuck on a jury wrote, "That one smarmy-ass dude who's been speaking on behalf of the defense team could stand to ease up on the brylcream 'cuz he's totally coming across as a fucking ambulance chaser."
But then the side of me that kind of wanted to be on the jury would add, "But then again, I have a few friends who are lawyers and I understand that they generally have condescending, dismissive, and/or sleazy personalities. Or at least the good ones do."
And then there was the question, "What, if any, opinions do you have regarding this case?"
The practical side of me wrote, "This case is stupid. And just to clarify, in this particular instance when I say 'stupid' I mean 'fucking retarded'. It's pretty obvious the plaintiffs didn't read the contract before they signed it and apparently it's not enough that they want to screw the defendants over and get their money back, they also want to screw all us jurors over by forcing us to leave our jobs for up to *two* *freaking* *months* to cover *their* asses for a mistake *they* made and are too fucking whiny and self-entitled to think of anyone other than their stupid asses. And again, just to clarify, when I say 'stupid' I mean 'fucking retarded'. Sure us jurors get a daily stipend but shit, the fucking mileage portion doesn't even fucking cover using fucking public transportation to get to this fucking courthouse!"
But then
the dumbass "it might be kinda fun to be on a jury!" half of
me backtracked a bit by adding, "But then again I've seen the defendant's
ads on tv and don't have the highest opinion of them. If the plaintiff's
lawyers can show me that they are, in fact, the sleazeballs that I think
they are, I wouldn't mind siding with them by submitting a verdict according
to my conscience instead of following the letter of the law, as is my
right as a juror."
yeah, i, uh, didn't get selected as a juror
(semipermalink)
People
Who Annoy Me
December 31, 2007, San Francisco, CA
Man, yesterday some dude annoyed the crap outta me.
Y'see, when I go to the movies I like to sit in one of the front five rows 'cuz most people don't like sitting that close to the screen and, consequently,:
a) there are less likely to be distracting people around
and
b) I get to avoid having passive-aggressive battles for the armrest.
So, yeah, I'm sitting there in the theater, three empty rows in front, two empty rows behind, and other than me, nobody in my row, when some guy wanders in just before this *3.5-hour* epic movie starts and sits down right the fuck next to me.
What the fuck?
And it wasn't just any guy, it was a smelly, crazy dude who, as I found out two minutes in, likes to talk during movies and has an annoying tendency to laugh at things and look to his neighbor for affirmation or something.
During the intermission I shot an sms to hottie yoga chick bitching about this guy when she asked the obvious - "Why didn't you just move?"
The problem, y'see, is that I have this thing where whenever i'm in public and some smelly crazy person sits next to me on a bus or something, i don't like to just get up and move right away 'cuz it seems like that would be rude - sometimes they can't help it.
I mean yeah, I'll be irritated that they chose to sit next to me, but normally I'll just sit there and pretend they're like anyone else. It's kinda like that thing Elaine mentioned in an episode of Seinfeld:
ELAINE: I'm not a terrible person.
JERRY: No...
ELAINE: No, when I shoo squirrels away, I always say, "Get out of here." I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people.
JERRY: That's nice.
ELAINE: Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street, I never ever stare at them, and yet I'm careful not to look away, see, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable.
JERRY: That's nice for the freaks.
So yes, i'm like Elaine. Except i tend to say "crazy smelly people" instead of "freaks," neither of which, i suppose, are particularly p.c.
And actually,
had it been a more normal person who'd chosen to ignore the empty rows
in front of and behind me, as well as all the empty seats to my left and
right, i probably *would* have gotten up and moved.
i tried to, but couldn't, outmaneuver him during the intermission
(semipermalink)
Movie
Review: Ben Hur
December 30, 2007, San Francisco, CA
Man, I went to go see "Ben Hur" last night and I have to
say that I sure as hell didn't expect it to be quite as religious as it
was. I thought it was just some ancient epic movie along the same lines
as "Spartacus" or "Gladiator" or "Conan the Barbarian"
or the Milli Vanilli biopic.
One thing that Python fans should be aware of if they ever go see this movie is how all throughout you'll sit there and keep seeing bits that'll remind you of "Life of Brian" - especially that scene with jebus giving his sermon on the mount. I kept waiting for someone in the fringes of the crowd to ask, "What was that?"
and then have someone reply, "I think it was 'blessed are the cheesemakers'."
"What's so special about the cheesemakers?"
"Obviously it wasn't supposed to be taken literally - it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products."
and then have the scene end with a couple of people bail to go check out that day's stoning.
One other observation I had at this screening of Ben Hur occurred when they had an on-stage interview with the daughter of the person who wrote the musical score. All throughout this interview I couldn't help but think, "Who gives a shit what the dude's *daughter* has to say?"
Oh, and in
case you were wondering, the movie was, "meh."
charlton heston looked kinda like arnold schwarzenegger in the movie
(semipermalink)
Food
Lodge
December 24, 2007, Berkeley, CA
So the other day one of my friends from high school convinced me
to join one of those retarded social networking sites where I got in touch
with a few other people from high school with whom I really had no desire
to reconnect.
Occasionally while perusing other people's comment walls, however, I'd come across a tasty little nugget, like this one from G to J:
"J, I still entertain people with stories from Cazadero featuring YOU! Do you remember doing the whole alphabet in burps? Unfortunately, that one didn't end well."
Intrigued, and since i don't recall ever interacting with J other than the time my face ran into her foot in the fourth grade, I left this comment on G's page:
"wait, i have to ask, you mentioned on J's page that she burped the alphabet and that it didn't end well. . . so, uh, how did it end?. . . i can only think of one projectile-ish way. . ."
To which G replied:
"Here's how it ended: J burped the alphabet, we were all in awe, then she threw up, some of the vomit became lodged in her glued-in retainer, unreachable by toothbrush, and we had another week or so of camp left."
I swear that's
one of the best puking stories I've ever heard. It kind of reminded me
of the time i puked and got some onion stuck in the back of my nose between
the nostrils and couldn't get it out for *days* 'cuz blowing my nose just
pressed it down harder.
puke, piss, and poop, that's all i ever talk about anymore
(semipermalink)
Things
I've done and things to do
October 31, 2007, Berkeley, CA
In case you were wondering what I've been doing for the past month
- work. And fucking around. And movies. And this
dumbass yet strangely addicting game. And meetings. Stupid, retarded,
moronic, pointless meetings.
Here are various reasons that people at work have scheduled meetings with me over the past month despite my repeated attempts to convince them that we did not, in fact, need to have "a meeting" in their office or a conference room, and that they could just email me or dump the shit in my chair:
* to give me five self-explanatory drawings
* to give me a sheet with the sole markup being a word that was crossed out
* to give me a huge stack of markups so extensive that it would've taken forever to fax over, that was, in fact a huge stack that would've taken forever to fax over, only in that entire stack there was only one page with a markup - the deletion of one box on an org chart with five boxes
* to read me an email, word for word, that I'd previously asked him to just forward to my ass
* to ask me a question in which the answer was "October 31st"
* to ask me to email him a presentation
Another thing I've done over the past month was a bit of work for that aerial dance troupe I do shit for once in a while - posters, a video montage, programs, that kind of crap. If you give a hoot and live in or around Berkeley, they've got a performance going on tonight (October 31, 2007), and on Friday and Saturday (November 2 & 3, 2007).
Here's the
poster I whipped out - it has a bit more information if you're interested
in checking out the performance:
and here's
a link to a quick and dirty video montage I slapped together of a
rehearsal they had a few weeks ago. Keep
in mind that their dances and costumes have gone through some big changes
since said rehearsal.
97% of all business meetings are retarded
(semipermalink)
Holy
footwear
September 18, 2007, San Francisco, CA
I think I need to buy a new pair of shoes.
The other day while eating a few cupcakes at the local mall's food court (the Bloomingdale's side, not the ghetto Nordstom's side), I noticed that the hole in my shoe finally went through the insole straight to the sock. Not wanting my Smartwool to get fucked up, I grabbed a newspaper someone had left behind, tore out a chunk in the shape of my foot, and inserted it into my shoe.
When I looked up and saw several people staring at me I realized that:
a) I hadn't shaved in a couple of weeks,
b) my bag is all torn up and ratty looking,
and,
c) I'd just come off of an all-nighter at work and looked and smelled a little ripe.
Now, a thru c on their own probably wouldn't have garnered a second glance, but when I did that newspaper-in-a-shoe bit I realized that I must have *totally* looked like a homeless dude.
Or at least a homeless dude who had four cupcakes, a hot chocolate, and a book on advanced color-correction techniques sitting in front of him.
I'm like
an enigma wrapped in a mystery surrounded by a pair of ducks with a creamy
riddle filling.
to my friends i'm more of a dude who needs to bathe more often
(semipermalink)
The
man in black
August 28, 2007, San Francisco, CA
Now normally I only wear black pants on those rare occasions when
I'm being forced to wear a shirt and tie, but occasionally I bust 'em
out when I'm having a laundry emergency.
Like I did yesterday.
The interesting thing about black pants is that if you're not used to wearing 'em, it's possible to have sort of a fashion-don't day.
Like I did yesterday.
Y'see, it wasn't 'til I was out and about downtown and I glanced at my reflection in a storefront window, that I realized I also wore a black t-shirt. And coupled with my black tennis shoes, black hair, black skateboard, and black messenger bag, I also realized that I'd inadvertently made some sort of fashion statement.
Not a "I'm a goth" or "I'm a metalhead" or "I'm a hipster doofus" or "I'm a ninja" fashion statement, but something more, well, what's the phrase I'm looking for? I guess something more along the lines of "hey, look at me, I'm a fucking idiot!" fashion statement.
I mean the black gap khakis were basically brand new, the t-shirt was some schwag I'd scored from a computer convention, I mean really, I just looked like some fat asian dude who, for some fucked-up reason, thought it wouldn't look completely retarded to step out of the house dressed head to toe in black while carrying a black bag and a black skateboard.
Or, to be
more accurate, I looked like someone who thought that he wouldn't look
completely retarded, and was wrong.
other times i look like i'm headed for work at a chinese restaurant
(semipermalink)
In
the end it always comes back to the potty humor
August 27, 2007, San Francisco, CA
A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with some friends whom I
hadn't seen in *years* and realized that when you don't talk to someone
for that long, you slowly develop a unique bit of slang that they won't
necessarily pick up on.
"Headin' to the bar?" one of 'em asked as I stood up to go to the bathroom.
"Nah, I gotta go drop the kids off at the pool," I replied.
"What? I didn't know you had kids!" he exclaimed.
"Ummn, yeeeaaah, I, uh, I don't. And even if I did, it's after midnight, why would I be taking my fucking kids to the pool in the middle of the night?"
"What? But you just said..."
"I gotta go drop a few pounds."
"Huh?"
"Go prairie doggin'? Put my thoughts down on paper?"
"?"
"Number 2. I've gotta go take a dump."
"Ahhhhh, got it."
A bit later
it was also apparent that he wasn't used to people raising their fists
and encouragingly shouting out to him, "Eye of the tiger, man! Eye
of the tiger!" while he's walking towards a public bathroom.
as far as not grokking the euphemisms, in his defense he *was* drunk
(semipermalink)
Teaser
trailers
August 21, 2007, San Francisco, CA
So the other day while on a coffee break L bought a pack of gum and
offered me a piece.
"Are you offering to be nice or 'cuz my breath stinks?" I asked.
"To be nice - your breath's fine," she replied.
"Oh, okay, then in that case no thanks. I, uh, I kinda had a bad experience with gum when I was hanging out in Venice."
She looked at me for a few seconds before saying, "That has to be one of the most intriguing things you've ever said to me."
"No wait, not Venice, that other one, with the nazis."
"What?"
"Uhhhh. . . Vienna!. Yeah, Vienna - I had a bad experience with gum in Vienna!"
"Okay, well, Venice, Vienna, still intriguing."
"Oh, well shit, you think *that's* intriguing - y'know hottie yoga chick?"
"Yeah?"
"Well,
*she* had a bad experience with an albatross while cycling to work on
Midway island."
i'd elaborate but i think i already wrote about the gum
(semipermalink)
A
typical email exchange with me
August 17, 2007, Cyberspace, CA
For the three of you who replied to my previous post and possibly
wonder what my thoughts on the matter are, well, when my hottie coworker,
L, and I first had this debate and the two physical dictionaries along
with webster.com, dictionary.com, and google definitions all took her
side, i emailed our former hottie coworker/boss, J, asking for *her* opinion.
Here's what she said:
----(J's email start)-----
Whoa, somehow a week has passed since you asked this question so I'm not sure if you give a shit about my response, but here goes:
A couple means 2 and no other number.
A few means 3, although I don't mind getting 4 cookies when I ask for a few.
And several
means anything from 4-9. Somehow, the double-digits like 10 sound like
too many. Sorry, just had to give a range there.
So, in response to your email charging L with the stale-izing of your
wheat thins, I hope that there were only a few in the mound. And what
exactly constitutes a mound?
----(J's email end)-----
Her wheat thins comment was in regards to this email I'd also sent:
----(my email start)-----
So last nite I was all, "Hmmmnn, y'know what would be a tasty snack to complement my new plastic cup that replaced the one that some coworker who shall remain nameless but has the initials "<insert L's full name here>" had thrown away? Some wheat thins!"
So I then went to the snack drawer and grabbed the box only to see that while the bag had been opened, it was sans a binder clip - instead it was semi-curled up in a sort of half-hearted, some might say "half-assed", attempt at keeping the stale stewies away.
Now I'm not the type to place blame and point fingers so the suspect shall remain nameless, although I feel that I would be remiss if I weren't to offhandedly mention that her initials are "<insert L's full name here>."
It's actually kind of a shame that I'm not the confrontational type as otherwise i might educate said initialed person that back in the 1800s during ireland's potato famine, they would've killed to have been able to eat crispy wheat thins that were in properly binder-clipped plastic bags rather than those mounds of stale wheat thins that they carelessly left in open burlap sacks.
I wonder if my cup is still on my desk.
----(my email end)-----
. . . anyway, L replied to J's email with:
----(L's email start)-----
You guys are crazy! Several technically means 3 or more. Or something silly like "more than two," b looked it up. On that note, however, there are plenty of people who think like J...
Last night I had dinner and cocktails with a friend and when I came home I was exhausted. I told H I had a few drinks (people, "a few" means two, which is exactly the number of drinks that I had), and H goes, "Really? You had three drinks!" NOOOOOOOOOOO! How have y'all been trained so poorly...is it Berkeley??
----(L's email end)-----
to which the other coworker replied:
----(J's email start)-----
Wow, you were just one away from having "several" drinks. Sounds like quite a lot.
----(J's email end)-----
and so, if you're still with me and this long-ass post, i replied to both of them with:
----(my email start)-----
See, this is similar to when that lady drove down the railroad tracks 'cuz her car's navigation system was telling her to. Sometimes you have to realize that your reference guide (or in this case two physical and three online dictionaries) is giving you bad information.
As a famous poet way before your time once said, "cool is a rule, but sometimes bad is bad."
I think the key lesson for you to learn from this discussion other than the fact that:
* "a couple" means two
* "a few" means three, possibly four, but definitely not two 'cuz that belongs to "a couple"
* "several" means five, *maybe* six, four if someone's feeling stingy, seven is really pushing it, eight is right out, if you want nine of something you might as well as for ten, and three, well, duh, if you wanted three of something you'd ask for a few
But yeah, I think the key lesson here is that you should always listen and defer to your elders.
I mean think about it - if you start allowing words to share definitions with each other, well, that leads to bewilderment, perplexity, and confusion, all of which lead to fear, and as a great warrior once said while in hiding in the dagobah system, "fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suf-fer-ing."
And you know what *that* leads to?
Unproperly closed boxes of wheat thins (yes, I used "unproperly" rather than "improperly" - I roll with Ralph Wiggums) - and once that happens the terrorists have already won.
At this point I normally *would* be all like, "*face*!" but I'm much too mature and dignified to do something like that - especially after totally crushing you with my infallible vulcan-like logic.
-b
ps, oooh, *buurrrrnnn*!. . .
pps, as opposed to the Hans Moleman "booouurns". . .
----(my email end)-----
And that,
in a nutshell, is sort of what it's like to sit next to me at work.
remember, couple = 2, few = 3, and several = 5
(semipermalink)
A
question
August 3, 2007, San Francisco, CA
So my hottie coworker, L, and I were having a debate as to who was
the bigger crackhead, and even though two dictionaries, all online references,
and three of my friends seem to support her side, I'm now asking others
what they think.
What numbers do you think of when you say "a couple," "a few," and "several"?
Note that I'm not looking for a range like, "A few is 2 to 3," 'cuz that'd be about as helpful as a glass of stale urine at your aunt Abigail's weekly golden shower party. No, I'm looking for something like, "To me, when I ask for several cookies I want about 73." In other words, you might think 72 or 74 would be acceptable, but 73 is the actual number you're thinking of.
But
yeah, so, a couple, a few, and several - approximately what numbers do
they mean to you?. . .
i'll post my definitions next time
(semipermalink)
Travelog
Archives
current
04/08
03/08
12/07
10/07
09/07
08/07
07/07
06/07
05/07
04/07
03/07
02/07
01/07
12/06
11/06
10/06
09/06
08/06
06/06
05/06
04/06
03/06
02/06
01/06
12/05
11/05
10/05
09/05
08/05
07/05
06/05
05/05
04/05
03/05
02/05
01/05
12/04
11/04
06/04
05/04
04/04
03/04
02/04
01/04
12/03
11/03
10/03
09/03
08/03
07/03
06/03
05/03
04/03
10/02-03/03
09/02
08/02
07/02
06/02
03/02-05/02
travelog & links | photos | so you wanna